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Saturday, December 13th, 2008
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10:26 pm
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Finally finally, being an adult-
and such a difference from playing it that last two years.
There's all the comfort familiarity of expectations and process and procedure
but so many unique facets of this relationship, it couldn't even play at being monotonous.
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| Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
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9:40 pm - how swoony do I sound? its getting reckless
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its so so silly how you other people external to your relationship can suddenly have you reeling and questioning the internal sanctity of it all. so suddenly full of paranoia and intrigue- when will the game subside? I'm such a little hypocrite- to want the security without the commitment, because you really can't have one without the other.
"I was dancing with your angel."
"She's not mine, she belongs to the cosmos"
and how true it is. we only use the title when it suits us, and for as carefree as he seems to be, there is still a hesitation there- that will have to subside, but not yet, not yet. I'm not in the mood to make a fuss yet because lately I've got caught up with all the others again.
Here is to loving and embracing all my fetishes. my ideal partner keeps getting re-identified. and finally, now that I've had two come so close- its understood that one will never be enough, there are too many variables, and too many constants that can't coexist. oh that ring. and oh that ink. and those hands, and those eyes.
so funny to be living in this make believe world- grad school is a dream. I'm both worried and excited for outside perspective, for I know I couldn't exist any other way right now. I'm finally embracing the entirety of the ordeal, all of its harshness and frustration, and beauty and kindness and fulfillment. That these days of work can be followed by nights of comrades and academics, and dancing and being pulled on stage, and being the only couple left on an empty dance floor, right underneath the lights and stars.
How I love this passion, and this life, and these thoughts and feelings and emotions.
Even terrible and torrid, how I love love.
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| Sunday, November 9th, 2008
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8:34 pm - ashley says: go ahead and try it, im nothing but love and passionate embraces
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What will ever happen when these two passions unite? My same patterns still apply, because there is more than one object of affection- but these are states away, instead of the usual minutes away- so they're easily reconciled from each other- but from the 'bigger driving force'- they are part and parcel of it- impossible to separate them from it- I was holding out- and was doing very well- until this night.
holding out on affection, holding out on the possibility, and there still isn't too much of a future reality, which is my only saving grace at this point- but oh no dears, oh no.
♥
ash
"with Lucifer beneath you, and god above, it either one of them asks you what you're living on... say love... say for me love...say love..."
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| Monday, October 13th, 2008
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2:44 pm - ladybug poop
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Thursday: coffee with a new Lebanese friend with excellent advice and fantastic laughs (no commitment)
Friday: Archaeology, made breakfast for my closest lovely girl here, grabbed a friend to help me host 007, met a friend of a friend (no commitment) -enter white dress- bars, beers, darts, pool, laughs, another joins the group "is that your boyfriend?" "nope" (no commitment)- close the circus down, "I have this project I need her opinion on" (oh euphemisms)- were engaging in extracurricular activities (no commitment).
Saturday: Wake up, gift from Toronto, play in bed all morning, walk to the farmers market- broke one breakfast date to have the usual Saturday morning tamales but run into broken date at the market, three of us go back to my place, invite a forth, showers and south Asian throat singing (I love anthropologists), some leave- were a transitory bunch, go shopping for wine glasses, make dinner plans, pilgrimage across town with groceries in two, we make curry for the masses, have a reckless encounter with yet another archaeologist, have quiet bonding shoots of Jameson down the street, get fought over, discretion, evasion
Sunday: wake up, half naked breakfast curry, whipped cream from the night before for the pumpkin pies that were only getting made this morning, bake all afternoon nothing but laughs, pumpkin pie recipes that bridge the gap between international kin, eat pie outside with the first realization of the natural beauty of the days, walking, singing folk songs to play in the river, to lay in the grass and watch the leaves turn red for the first time in your life, burritos on your neighbors grass and the home to work independently on to leave "I want to sleep with you again tonight"
Monday:
Bleaching the white dress that got its fill this weekend- it was worth the stains: beer, popcorn, tamales, salsa, grass, and ladybug poop.
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| Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
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11:27 pm - this will be a good exercise
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To stay sane: I suggest:
archaeology
afternoon canoe picnics
secret late night meetings on street corners
endless bottles of wine
listening to van morrison laying on the grass outside at 1 AM
country drives for warm apple cider and fresh donuts to eat by the river
bob dylan
as much sex as you can possibly stand
poached pears
plenty of dancing and entertaining
weekly saturday morning/afternoon trips to the farmers market
socialization
and buckets and buckets of harmless flirtation
and live catie curtis
She is still mine, I have conquered her, and her image will never be confused or blurred, or so completely wrapped up in one person, this city is mine, and it will still be mine after you're gone.
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| Friday, September 19th, 2008
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12:33 pm
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Ashley loves archaeological lovers, they are so detail orientated.
And also loves doing a spacial association analysis on the clothing the next morning.
And PhD Students, she loves those too.
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12:00 am
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french toast, kids, that's all.
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2008
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9:31 am
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chalk last night up to life experience
scribble scribble
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| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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11:52 pm
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I love bioanthropologists
because gossiping with them is like studying primatology-
"so were working under the basic assumption that all females just want to have a relationship and not have promiscuous sex with any male"
♥
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| Saturday, August 30th, 2008
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6:09 pm
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I cannot get off that boat.
Only here a little over a week and just waiting in so much anticipation for this life to start, and for this distraction. The last month has been a ridiculous expense and ride and now its slow slow slowing down.. and I'm caught up finally and holding on to this excitement- these 10000 social obligations, and I cut out of one and already feel tired and wasted and used. Work needs to be done already, but I have days, and days seem so long right in this moment that procrastination is absolutely essential to keep my sanity.
These lovers across the country are lifesavers and who knows how strange that is. Meeting new ones is only solidifying the fact that this one is good good good.
I just need to sit down and focus and hone hone hone. I am so ready to knocked down flat on my ass and wonder what the hell I am doing here. I want it to happen. right now. and then I'll hate it when it goes on, but I am oh so anxious to test my safety net.
FINALLY. i just rooted out my melancholy.
I would be digging at gault right now if I were in Texas.
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008
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4:32 pm
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"What does your wife call you?"
"there is no English translation for it"
I love archaeology. and I love life. and I love the gulf of mexico and ROVs. and new friends. and jet setting. and scotch. lots and lots of scotch.
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| Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
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11:34 pm
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alcohol seems to have this ability for little boys to grow up momentarily so they can finally stand up to the strong women in their lives
Its interesting that it takes 4 beers for you to grow a pair
I absolutely wither under monogamy.
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008
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10:22 pm - ash went red
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I have packing ADD I cannot sit still for a minute, if you want to simplify your life, try moving in with a significant other for a year and then move out, you wont want any of that shit. trust me.
solace has been outreach, and lolita and anna karenina and more new archaeology books from half price today on a break at work. on a mission to take in as much of austin as possible in the coming weeks. i go to flordia soon and get to spend two weeks on a boat in the gulf of mexico, BBC is filming at the site this weekend, seeing fastball play tomorrow (more austin immersion).
I am revealing in the sacrifices i have made for this passion, i tell you, they have all been worth it.
books. clothes. done.
packing is a sintch
sing it ani baby
take me away to my new home
"youve got your whole life to do something and thats not that long"
♥
haven't seen any of those for a while
ash
p.s. learning to make and use an atlatl is fucking brilliant, I could take yo ass out sucka
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| Saturday, July 5th, 2008
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3:51 pm
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pitcher of blue moon ale
paulaner hefe
appletini
bottle of prosecco for the fireworks
vodka and redbull
washington apples
Meet a Seattlite.
It was a happy forth of july.
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008
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11:14 pm - This egotism has got to grow and blossom into a new city with no regulations of life dependent on ro
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Ashley is really excited to relearn life without the "us" and/or the "we"
I have a one bedroom Kerrytown apartment waiting for me in the Midwest.
I survived a poisonous snake encounter.
I had a ridiculously vivid sex dream last night.
So who the fuck cares about the romance.
The "I"s have it.
I am in love with myself again and no one else.
finally
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| Friday, June 13th, 2008
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5:46 pm - tattoo on forehead: will not get into a relationship
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so many faces bounce around in this head, I read through all the old loves, and remember more than I need to perhaps. I'm working on a draft of a novel. Its time finally, at the very least just to get all the data organized. hopefully get a lot of closure, and a lot of pressure off.
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2008
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10:03 pm - an inborn intense desire which would rule a life
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
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8:55 pm
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I have finally come to the point in my life were I have so much deep respect for my parents- that their approval means everything- that I am no longer fighting off their advice, but rather seeking it out.
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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2:34 pm - 6 years
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There has been a man during every defining moment of my life, but no man will ever define my life. Thoreau tell us, life does not change, we do. My body seems to have created its only chemical defense against love when I change, a new defining moment- a new defining love? The last three times now, a instant reaction, a chemical composition, and a repulsion that is fearless. I had a dream with a male research associate, we were listening to Bob Dylan, and it has affected my last weeks, he engaged, and excavating in Florida, and I suddenly struck with awareness of his absence, though in reality it means nothing, but this dream world, this dream we shared together, it means more and more in the passing hours. I've been more social in the last two weeks than I have in months. After Michigan, after the decision, now that I know I am leaving, I can love Austin finally and appreciate for what it is, knowing my time here is drawing to an end, and I will look back on it fondly, as I do now of Washington. I had coffee and found a connection of thoreau today, the first in my remembrance. A new sweet friend months from my departure. Too be honest, I feel I am more tired of talking about it more than anything, I want my change, I want to have my cake and eat it to, the two of us cannot both continue blaming me for all the shortcomings of youth. I will not marry you. I miss literature, I miss beauty and art and life. I found a dark room, but the plumming is bad, I found an idea for an article, I found a journal, I found life again, give me the freedom, just please give me the freedom.
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2008
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9:44 pm - Ashley is craving some beauty
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Ashley is rebuilding bridges, because no matter how you may fight it, you can never replacing the experience of being children together.
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ihopeyoureright's journal